Top Ten Things To Do When Unemployed

Sleeping under a bridge isn't really as bad as they say it is.

It's time we had a little heart to heart. 

A hug in fact. And maybe even a high five. 

(Because let's be honest, we can't afford anything else...)

Now whether you chose the unemployment or the unemployment chose you doesn't really matter. What matters is that you make the most of it!

Milk it for every cent that it's worth (because you probably can't afford any other forms of calcium)

People often forget that unemployed people are people too! 

It's your duty to remind them that you have a soul! You have a heart! You used to have a job!

You could be sitting around lamenting the bastard who fired you or wondering why you quit.

You might be looking out the window and thinking you should clean it so you can at least know what sort of day it is now that you don't have to leave the house.

You might even [because I've heard it's possible] be getting bored of Solitaire and Pokemon.

Whatever state of disarray you currently find yourself in, I (a semi-professional unemployed gypsy) am about to attempt to share my advice on making the most of your unemployed journey.

[Please note that despite having numbers, these are in absolutely no particular order] 

10) Make New Friends

Everyone you know probably has a real job. A nine to five (or whatever "they" call it).

Or maybe you're in a new country/ city/ suburb?

Either way you're going to need some new people to hang out with!

It's not as daunting as it sounds!

The world is full of awesome people who need to meet you!

You can start by helping old ladies cross the road. They're probably retired and have all the time in the world for you (Think home cooking and awesome stories from their many years of existence).

Backpackers hostels are an ever ready supply of colourful people from around the world who are looking for an adventure. The turn-over rate for them being in town is normally so fast too that if you mess up, you can try again in a couple of days. 

Go door knocking - see who's home.

Crash house parties/ company golf days/ funerals (Make sure you dress for the occasions) 

Put an ad on Gumtree/ Craigslist. If you don't have the internet, make a cardboard sign and stand at the robots (traffic lights).

Try tinder.

If you're needing someone to talk to in a hurry I suggest you go down to the local tax office. 

The queues are generally ridiculously long, allowing you good quality time to really get to know the people around you.

I spent two days in the last week at the South African Revenue Service and made many new friends. Some of them have even invited me around for coffee.  

The opportunities are endless!

Crashing a German Christmas party in Freemantle
(I even made the group photograph)

9) Go to the Places That are too Busy on the Weekends.

Theme parks (imagine no queues and no-one to laugh at you wet your pants/ vomit!)

Beaches (Every wave is yours to surf.)

[But avoid nudist beaches in the week. They tend to attract the wrong sorts of overly excitables]

The movies (You can change seats every time an actor says the word "Vortex" [for instance] 

Make sure it's not school holidays first!!!!

An awesome day spent on our own "private" beach in Australia

8) Stalk People

Now obviously it's better if you try and do this without completely freaking people out [or getting arrested], but there's joy in that too.

Find people who have mad skills or jobs that you would like to learn and see how they do it.

Take a day/week/month and trail them carefully, watching their every move.

Ask questions when you don't understand. 

If you have nothing left to learn or no aspirations to learn from anyone else, purely just follow people to discover new areas, shops, and gaits.

[Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility for anyone who takes this too seriously and does anything/everything against the law]

There are creepy, and there are less creepy ways to do said stalking

7) Get Uber Fit

Go for long runs and hikes and swims. 

Climb mountains [and box slide down].

Surf.

Learn to do the splits while rollerskating backwards.

Save money by walking or cycling everywhere, even if it takes you all day to get there (and if it does take a whole day, take a tent, because it will take a whole day to get back too.)

Even if you don't get uber fit, make sure you still go cardboard box sliding!

6) Write Your Memoirs

Everyone always dreams of writing a book.

Now's your chance, you've got the time.

And so what if you haven't done anything with your life yet? 

Write the book now and then go and lead a life that lives up to the legendness of the tale. 

Find the perfect spot and then start - even if you need to do it on paper

5) Find Creative Ways to Make Cash

Busk - you can earn heaps of money by being really good. But being really bad earns you just as much. (This is also chance to learn an [new] instrument)

Sell the belongings you don't need. And if they won't sell, creatively adapt them into something that will.

If you have no possessions you can always donate your eggs/ sperm/ and kidneys.

Blog (and if you learn how to make money from it, please teach me how).

Teach classes in successful unemployment-ism (or whatever else your specialty may be).

Become a self-acclaimed sommelier / beer connoisseur/ or personalized chef.

Walk dogs and/ or hyperactive children.

(I'm going to stop my list here because I need to keep some options for myself)

Take a temp or casual job.

You don't need to rush into a full time job that you'll probably hate [and that will definitely destroy your soul] just because you need cash.

At a traffic light in Johannesburg.
I made 50 bucks :)

4) Go on an Epic Adventure

Contrary to popular belief, you don't need money to travel!

Go down to your local marina and try hitch a ride on a boat.

Or hope on your bicycle and see where you end up.

Go visit those countries and cultures and places that you've always wanted to see!

Unemployment has taken me around the world one and a half times.

Spend all you have for the loveliness the world has to offer.

Hitch hiking to get to forbidden areas in Burma

3) Learn new Skills

Haven't you always wanted to[↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓]? Now's your time to practice.

yodel.

do a handstand.

read binary.

be a ninja.

undo all your bad karma.

memorize the entire periodic table of the elements.

navigate by the stars.

fish.

pole dance.

discover an undiscovered species or breed of germ.

make a movie.

sing opera.

Learning to do handstands.

2) Send Emails and Pictures to Long Lost Friends [and Enemies] and Family

You know how you always wondered what happened to such and such...

Or you've always wanted to thank [insert name here] for [insert thankful thing here]

This is your chance!

Better yet, send them actual hand-written letters or visit them.

Even if it's been years, and they might not remember who you are, they are still going to enjoy hearing from you! 

And remember that if you don't hear back from them, they're either just jealous that you're unemployed or too busy doing boring job stuff.

I'm still flipping grateful to these guys for getting me started as a gypsy!

1) Look for Jobs

But don't make getting employed your primary concern.

People tend to get so fixated on getting a job that they forget to enjoy their freedom. 

Jobs will always be there, free time won't!

Make sure you're looking for something that you really want to do - Why did you quit [or were you a rubbish employee] at the last job? 

Jobs take up such a huge portion of your life that you really don't want to be wasting hours of your short existence for a measly pay check!

Apply for jobs that are above you.

Challenge yourself!

Yes, they'll probably say no; but what if they don't??

In fact, while you're at it, if you can't find something you want to do locally; search the world.

Maybe it's time for a change of scenery?

Or maybe there's something awesome that you need to bring to your neighbourhood!

Jobs are a bit like partners; when you're not looking for them and obsessing about them, they find you!

This is an actual screen shot of my life last January

There's so many good aspects of the unemployed life!

Boredom is not an option!!

If all else fails, just go find something to lick!

Home.

The end was in sight. 

In just three weeks my circumnavigation would be [more or less] complete. 

After 4 awesome [and challenging] years of hitch hiking on other peoples boats across the Indian, the Atlantic, and now the Pacific, I could just about smell the accomplishment.

S/V Fiddler.
60 Foot steel sloop
On which [not entirely against my will] I was forced to be a vegetarian.
I sailed her across the Indian Ocean and rejoined again in the Caribbean

S/Y Nereid
47 foot Beneteau
We survived the freezing cold of  the Atlantic and the Pirates who stole everything including my birthday plans
Although it wasn't all bad celebrating at sea! 

S/Y Yoldia
27 foot toiletless Albin Vega
I hitched her to Panama but then forgot to get off and stayed on board [through loss of autopilot and propane and rigging] all the way to Tonga.

Schooner Sjostrom
96 foot gaff rig
I sailed her through the glassy, windless waters from New Zealand to Fiji

S/Y Yacare
25 foot fiber Beneteau.
The waves were frequently bigger than the boat.
I sailed her from Fiji through the Solomons and PNG

But epiphany strikes when you expect it.

I was casually sailing through some of the most phenomenal islands in the world when one hit me with vengeance.

I suddenly knew what I wanted to do.

(As a woman that's just about unheard of)

And I was so excited about it, it couldn't wait!

Sunset in the Louisiades

It wasn't an easy decision. 

But when more-or-less-civilization struck (Port Moresby), I jumped ship.

I watched Yacare sail off to Indonesia and had tears roll down my face as I realized I was giving up on one dream in the quest for another.

For years I have been helping other people chase their goals and build their projects and float their ships. 

I've sweated and toiled and pushed myself because I don't believe in doing anything half-hearted, 

but at the end of the day I've walked away with only memories (and warm fuzzy feelings).

I've loved most of it, and learned a lot but, and this sounds selfish, it's time for me to build something myself. 

Time to start my own exploit.

I'm quite literally exhausted by "aimlessly" floating around the world.

And even more agonizing is my dire case of homesickness 

I missed the people.

The colours.

I missed the culture.

The animals.

I missed the braais.

The beaches and mountains and forests.

Even the jaapies.

Instagram photo by my incredibly talented baby brother Jeandre' Gerding
(Follow him @Umlunguish)

Photo by @Umlunguish

Photo by @Umlunguish

In fact, I also had a rather peculiar realization;
one that will save months of my life:
IT"S FASTER TO FLY!

And so I gave up trying to wangle my way onto cargo ships (or other random means of transport) and bit the bullet.

Although it's not quite as easy as it sounds!

I flew from Papua New Guinea to Cairns.

From Cairns to Bali.

From Bali to Bangkok.
And my final flights have just been confirmed.
Tonight I fly to Addis Abba and in the morning, for the first time in three long years,  I'll be home.

Photo by @Umlunguish

I'm quite terrified!

I have no idea what's waiting for me in South Africa.

I've been gone for so long that I'm not even sure my family will recognise me, let alone friends.

I've seen, experienced, learned and grown so much that I don't even recognise myself.

Beetle nut for breakfast

In the last 9 years of Part Time Professional Gypsyism (PTPG), this is the first time I've decided to go home for me. 

Not for a wedding. Or by accident. Or for any other reason.

Just because it's time. 

It's where I need and want to be.

I always thought I'd return fit and lean, with excessive bundles of foreign cash...

Instead I carry a squiggy sailor's build and I'm broke (but fortunately not broken).

But if you wait for perfect conditions, you'd better by quite good at knitting.

I'm can't knit!

I'm not sure how long I'll be back for.

I'm not at all sure of the practicalities of what I'm setting out to do...

(The "epiphony" still carries some haziness)

For so long I have taken solace in knowing that I'm a good gypsy.

I'm good at scumming it; scavenging for food, hitching, exchanging skills and muscle for shelter and adventure.

I'm used to migrating. To moving. To letting life distract me.

But I crave a base. A home. Community.

I might be 27 degrees short of a circumnavigation, but for now 

I've had enough of licking foreign soils. 

Enough stories. 

Enough challenges and new places.

 For a while at least.

It's time for something different.

It's time to catch up and reconnect with old friends (if any of you remember me?)

It's time to remember my roots.

It's very much time to go to the airport.

It's time to go home!

Turning Bras into Pumpkins

"Are you an African?"

"How did you know?" 

"You look like one?"

"You have met many?"

"No. I have never met an African."

I smiled in confusion

"But I have read about them.They are good people."

Trying to show my new mates where Africa is...

Charles was clearly incredibly wise and insightful. 

We got talking about good people. 

We got talking about bad people 

(PNG is renowned for their rascals - the raping pillaging, lawless anarchists hungry to inflict pain and violence in their wake). 

We got talking about cannibals:

"The headman would choose who he would like to eat. Sometimes the men. Sometimes the woman. Normally visitors - especially the lumo lumo" (white men; maybe I was dark enough to avoid the palet). 

"And how would they eat them?"

"Well first they would remove the head. The body would be cooked on a fire and served to the village. When the flies stop sitting on the head then it is ready to be boiled and turned into a soup. The soup is a special delicacy."

"IS!!??" I asked in a mild panic. "What do you mean is?"

"No no no" said Charles. "We do not eat humans anymore. Now we have enough meat."

I wondered how their "meat" supply was doing with the famine and drought they'd experience just last year.

I delved deeper into the technicalities and the history on the matter and probably shouldn't have. Just one bay over there still sat a boat where all thirty [plus] passengers were dragged ashore and feasted upon  

"And how long ago was that?" 

"Ahhh, not so long ago... maybe 40 years." 

That was just short of my lifetime!

"She's half school" (one coconut short of a palm) chuckled the toothless beetlenuters who'd tied up to our boat to give us yams as another wanga [outrigger] paddled over.  

We seemed to have an endless supply of curious visitors wandering over. Sometimes we'd still be dropping anchor when the friendly smiles would bargain and trade and want. 

Day. Night. Too frequently before breakfast.

I traded 3 balloons for 2 coconuts and a bunch of tasty leaves.

I traded an old t-shirt for a bunch of bananas.

I traded beads or pens or notebooks for papayas.

Soap for wild bird eggs.

Fish hooks for potatoes.

Balloons were the first niche that all the kids wanted

In the next bay it was bracelets...

And finally i dug deep into my scant bundle of life belongings and produced luminous hairpins - they were an instant success!

We had more fresh supplies than we could eat! 

I liked this way of life. Out here money was about as useless as a roll of toilet paper that had been swimming in the bog. 

"Can you help me please, I have cut my finger" 

John climbed on board and removed his grass bandage. It didn't look like much and had already closed. We took out the first aid kit and disinfected it before covering it up with a white men bandaid. We told him he'd live.

And where are my pills?

Pain killers? 

Yes. I need painkillers.

The first visitor the next morning needed the same thing. She claimed neck pain.

"Please miss we are very remote." 

Remote? Remote? Do remote people NEED lumo lumo painkillers to survive minor pains. Aren't these the wildest of the wild- people who wrestle crocs and horde off rascals. Aren't these people genetically fearless warriors. 

I said no. And almost added a "flip off"...

She paddled away miraculously appearing to be healed.

While it wasn't everywhere, there were some islands where visiting yachts had over traded and introduced people to things that were never meant to be introduced to. When people wanted yeast or water containers, it was normally for  [illegal] homebrew.

When we tried to give swimming goggles, they simply spat them back in our face and demanded our personal dive masks instead.

Boats coming from Australia would load up with bags of donated clothes and equipment for trading, so it was hard to communicate that the t-shirt I was trading had sentimental value and was one of the only four I owned...

We didn't stick around these places for long. The residents here had seemed to forget about what was really important in life!

The local sailing canoe (Sailow)

We tried to stick to the places where we were welcomed and accepted. The places where sailows laughed as they breezed past and the smiles sang as they paddled home from their farms. 

Where the children simply wanted to give and smile and visit and play with your hair, you knew the community still held. 

"Are there crocodiles?" I asked the smiling faces who'd paddled over to greet us as we arrived after a very rough passage from Honiara, Solomon Islands.

"Yes! Plenty."

"In this bay?"

Synchronized nods.

"And do they attack?"

"Yes." [matter-of-factly as if to say "duh!"]

"Have you seen it?"

"Many times."

"And what about in your wanga? Can they jump up and pull you down?"

"Yes. Can!"

I sensed that maybe we drew so many visitors because they wanted to give us food to fatten us up and make us more attractive to the neighborhood pets.

So much for swimming. 

It was two days later on a lonely dusk [inflatable kayak] paddle back from a village where I stumbled upon a big shape drifting through the water towards me. It dropped down leaving two eye like blobs submerged and then it vanished all-together. 

I cannot confirm the nature of the creature but it separated me from the yacht and left me at a bit of a quandry: did I paddle faster and [hopefully] get back quicker? Or did I slow right down and drift in the current and wind hopefully to be mistaken as a log?

As you may have suspected I did make it back alive. 

The swarm of visitors all confirmed the nature of the creature to be as I suspected. They leave the rivers in the dry season in search of food and only return when sated.

I was glad to be home - but I saw the anguish on the faces of our guests who had a long dark row back in their dainty serving dishes.

As  we hopped beautiful islands and bays I was continually challenged to face the fears nature threw at me. I was in some of the most bewithching, unexplored  islands on earth and I was towering in fear - almost too scared to enjoy them.

The crocodiles, sharks, malarial mosquitoes, pirates and canibalisms seemed to merely mirror the inner insecurities I needed to tackle. Fear of failure, fear of inadequacy, fear of dissappointing others... These terrified me even more than the salties! It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you completely remove all technological and worldly distractions. 

As I began wrestling the self issues, I found the natural threats becoming less alarming. I began swimming and snorkeling the pacific blues (When the kayak broke it became a necessity) and climbing hills where wild people might reside. I got myself tangled in webs and had massive tarantulas crawl over me.  We even pulled up a snake on the anchor...
I ran into a few huge reef sharks and got plenty of mosquito bites;  but I began to trust I'd be okay.
After all, I also only had one chance to explore these almost untouched cultures.

It took a long time to overcome my own inner turmoil but If I could trade my bra for a pumpkin, I could trade in my own insecurities for an unrestrained life.

I did. I think this one was a fair trade.

Wild People

The world is full of all sorts. It's curiously viciously grotesquely beautiful.

For most of us, we walk around with our eyes half closed and try and maintain the status quo - trying to fit into our surroundings - be just beautiful enough, just successful enough, clean and groomed enough so that we fly by life with only the right kinds of attention. We long to fit in. And if we want to be noticed, it's normally for all the wrong reasons. You probably don't believe me, but look in the mirror and tell me who you really are!?

I didn't know much about the Solomons, in fact the only thing I'd read on the country said this:

"The Solomon Islands is a melting pot of various ethnicities, and they don't always get along. One group or another is always unhappy, and they don't mind expressing it with a protest, which often turns into a riot, which sparks looting and general lawlessness... Trouble brews quickly here.

Honiara is also the crime capital of The Solomons, and wealthy-looking visitors are often a target. Leave the expensive watches and expensive jewelry at home. Don't walk around the streets alone at night (best to go with a group or a guide), and give the early morning jog a miss.

If you do go out to a bar at night, be aware there'll always be a few locals who like to fight – there were active headhunters on these islands until the 1930's, so they probably know how to handle themselves.

During the day pick pocketing, bag snatching, mobile phone theft and general harassment is common.

Yachties Beware! Foreign governments also warn their yacht-based citizens to take care in Honiara harbour where there have been reports of criminals boarding yachts at night and stealing valuables. They are usually armed and are not deterred if confronted. It's best to let them take what they want and live to tell the tale.

...Swearing is a crime. It can lead to compensation claims or jail, or both.

Homosexual acts (by either sex) are illegal and penalties include jail sentences.

Bull, Hammerhead and Tiger sharks are present throughout Solomon Islands coastal waters. The timid Reef Shark is harmless, but, unless you know the difference, be wary of all sharks.

About 50 people are killed every year by saltwater crocodiles. These are locals, well-acquainted with the ever-present danger. Unsuspecting tourists are well advised to seek advice before entering unfamiliar waters and to be wary in any case.

In and around Honiara, uncontrolled dogs roam freely, often in packs. Tourists are advised to be cautious.

Solomon Islands is part of the Pacific ‘Ring of Fire', an area of volcanic activity over 40,000 kilometres long where 90% of the world's earthquakes occur. Four active volcanoes are listed. In April 2007, a magnitude 8.0 earthquake and tsunami struck the Solomon Islands killing at least 20 people and destroying villages. The most recent earthquake occurred in the Western Province on 4 January 2010. The resultant tsunami caused significant structural damage on the islands of Tetepare and Rendova. No lives were lost.

Cyclones bring heavy rain and cause local flooding. Roads are damaged and bridges often washed away. Travelers are advised to check local weather forecasts before traveling in unfamiliar areas."

-World Nomads. Solomon Islands : Everything you Need to Know Before you Go.

(Self-highlighted in bold for emphasis)

There was also mention of tropical beaches; but you tend to remember the negatives...

I suddenly remembered why I don't normally read up on countries before I visit them... At least I had a nice ten day sail up from Fiji to masticate this information and prepare myself for what [mis]adventures lay ahead. 

I'm sure the native crocs were going to love our inflatable kayak dinghy-tender.

Photo courtesy of Manuel Sturm; S/Y Gamine

The perfect setting to contemplate your fate.

We arrived at night. A phosphorescent crocodile swam over to pilot us in to Groscious Bay, Santa Cruz. 

The jungle buzzed around us as we celebrated our arrival with a bottle of red. 

In the still of the anchorage my heart raced: Pirates... Malaria... Are we safe?

The morning bought schools of visitors in dug-out canoes. Half naked. Red beetle nut toothed. Wild! Missionaries... Fishermen... Traders. 

You can trade for just about everything in the Solomons; one college we visited encourages their students to pay tuition in dried fruit or pigs. 

They no longer accept trees. 

As we jumped islands and bays we got sucked into the beauty of the wild. The bleach blond hair of the kids. We would paddle ashore to glares and unwelcoming machete yielding stances, but without fail our greeting the various onlookers would return a ferocious toothless smiles and friendships would be struck in minutes. 

Such was the love for the Hapi Isles, that one crew member opted to plant roots; and we said goodbye to Cocotino in a very moving, well attended burial ceremony.

Raphael bidding farewell to his trustee first mate.

In Santa Ana the people still challenge each other in warrior fights where spears are flung at neighbouring tribes to prove hero status. 

There's often casualties; but the heroes live on in legend and their bones are kept as sacred reminders for future generations. 

It's a wild world out here. A beautiful one.

House of the warriors.
Woman are not allowed to look upon the bones, but the boys were nice enough to get a picture for me.

Even the capital, Honiara, and it's dusty beetle stained streets has something genuine and raw about it. The dogs don't seem to bite, and neither do the people [yet].  

It also has WiFi and real coffee and that's a plus.

What did you see in the mirror? Who looked back at you?

If you look deep inside you will find that we are in fact wild things. 

We have flames of passion and lustre for life burning inside. An inextinguishable flame. 

We too are in fact wild people.

It's funny how the men all fight and get called "The Heroes"
...But the woman are the only ones brave enough to battle intruding snakes...