The Good Life

You need a change of job. Or maybe just a job.

You need to lose weight. And build muscle.

You need more friends. Less enemies.

You need more hours in a day.

You need less distractions.

More adventures. More money to afford adventures. More leave. More time.

Hell, you need to find the one. Your life partner. That person that will complete you. And, of course, adventure with you.

You want to be rich. Or at least richer.

You want chocolate.

MORE:

Free time. Laughing. Hugs. Singing. Dancing. 

Love. 

Sunshine. Yes. Wine. Good coffee. Unsuspected random acts of kindness. 

Tears of joy. 

Chilli. 

Exercise. Giving. Challenges. Music. 

Hammocks. Cowbell. Trust. 

Epic.

LESS:

Worry. Pain. Suffering. Wasted time. Crappy TV. 

Hate. 

Guilt. Blobbing. Social Media. Loneliness. 

No. Pirates. Unfriendly sharks. 

Zuma. 

Diets. Regrets. Boredom. Gossip. Crappy pop music. 

Rules. Red robots. Fillings. 

Inflation.

Stop wanting more. Stop thinking about all the things you need. Focus on what you have.

The good life starts when you stop wanting a better one.

Top Ten Things To Do When Unemployed

Sleeping under a bridge isn't really as bad as they say it is.

It's time we had a little heart to heart. 

A hug in fact. And maybe even a high five. 

(Because let's be honest, we can't afford anything else...)

Now whether you chose the unemployment or the unemployment chose you doesn't really matter. What matters is that you make the most of it!

Milk it for every cent that it's worth (because you probably can't afford any other forms of calcium)

People often forget that unemployed people are people too! 

It's your duty to remind them that you have a soul! You have a heart! You used to have a job!

You could be sitting around lamenting the bastard who fired you or wondering why you quit.

You might be looking out the window and thinking you should clean it so you can at least know what sort of day it is now that you don't have to leave the house.

You might even [because I've heard it's possible] be getting bored of Solitaire and Pokemon.

Whatever state of disarray you currently find yourself in, I (a semi-professional unemployed gypsy) am about to attempt to share my advice on making the most of your unemployed journey.

[Please note that despite having numbers, these are in absolutely no particular order] 

10) Make New Friends

Everyone you know probably has a real job. A nine to five (or whatever "they" call it).

Or maybe you're in a new country/ city/ suburb?

Either way you're going to need some new people to hang out with!

It's not as daunting as it sounds!

The world is full of awesome people who need to meet you!

You can start by helping old ladies cross the road. They're probably retired and have all the time in the world for you (Think home cooking and awesome stories from their many years of existence).

Backpackers hostels are an ever ready supply of colourful people from around the world who are looking for an adventure. The turn-over rate for them being in town is normally so fast too that if you mess up, you can try again in a couple of days. 

Go door knocking - see who's home.

Crash house parties/ company golf days/ funerals (Make sure you dress for the occasions) 

Put an ad on Gumtree/ Craigslist. If you don't have the internet, make a cardboard sign and stand at the robots (traffic lights).

Try tinder.

If you're needing someone to talk to in a hurry I suggest you go down to the local tax office. 

The queues are generally ridiculously long, allowing you good quality time to really get to know the people around you.

I spent two days in the last week at the South African Revenue Service and made many new friends. Some of them have even invited me around for coffee.  

The opportunities are endless!

Crashing a German Christmas party in Freemantle
(I even made the group photograph)

9) Go to the Places That are too Busy on the Weekends.

Theme parks (imagine no queues and no-one to laugh at you wet your pants/ vomit!)

Beaches (Every wave is yours to surf.)

[But avoid nudist beaches in the week. They tend to attract the wrong sorts of overly excitables]

The movies (You can change seats every time an actor says the word "Vortex" [for instance] 

Make sure it's not school holidays first!!!!

An awesome day spent on our own "private" beach in Australia

8) Stalk People

Now obviously it's better if you try and do this without completely freaking people out [or getting arrested], but there's joy in that too.

Find people who have mad skills or jobs that you would like to learn and see how they do it.

Take a day/week/month and trail them carefully, watching their every move.

Ask questions when you don't understand. 

If you have nothing left to learn or no aspirations to learn from anyone else, purely just follow people to discover new areas, shops, and gaits.

[Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility for anyone who takes this too seriously and does anything/everything against the law]

There are creepy, and there are less creepy ways to do said stalking

7) Get Uber Fit

Go for long runs and hikes and swims. 

Climb mountains [and box slide down].

Surf.

Learn to do the splits while rollerskating backwards.

Save money by walking or cycling everywhere, even if it takes you all day to get there (and if it does take a whole day, take a tent, because it will take a whole day to get back too.)

Even if you don't get uber fit, make sure you still go cardboard box sliding!

6) Write Your Memoirs

Everyone always dreams of writing a book.

Now's your chance, you've got the time.

And so what if you haven't done anything with your life yet? 

Write the book now and then go and lead a life that lives up to the legendness of the tale. 

Find the perfect spot and then start - even if you need to do it on paper

5) Find Creative Ways to Make Cash

Busk - you can earn heaps of money by being really good. But being really bad earns you just as much. (This is also chance to learn an [new] instrument)

Sell the belongings you don't need. And if they won't sell, creatively adapt them into something that will.

If you have no possessions you can always donate your eggs/ sperm/ and kidneys.

Blog (and if you learn how to make money from it, please teach me how).

Teach classes in successful unemployment-ism (or whatever else your specialty may be).

Become a self-acclaimed sommelier / beer connoisseur/ or personalized chef.

Walk dogs and/ or hyperactive children.

(I'm going to stop my list here because I need to keep some options for myself)

Take a temp or casual job.

You don't need to rush into a full time job that you'll probably hate [and that will definitely destroy your soul] just because you need cash.

At a traffic light in Johannesburg.
I made 50 bucks :)

4) Go on an Epic Adventure

Contrary to popular belief, you don't need money to travel!

Go down to your local marina and try hitch a ride on a boat.

Or hope on your bicycle and see where you end up.

Go visit those countries and cultures and places that you've always wanted to see!

Unemployment has taken me around the world one and a half times.

Spend all you have for the loveliness the world has to offer.

Hitch hiking to get to forbidden areas in Burma

3) Learn new Skills

Haven't you always wanted to[↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓]? Now's your time to practice.

yodel.

do a handstand.

read binary.

be a ninja.

undo all your bad karma.

memorize the entire periodic table of the elements.

navigate by the stars.

fish.

pole dance.

discover an undiscovered species or breed of germ.

make a movie.

sing opera.

Learning to do handstands.

2) Send Emails and Pictures to Long Lost Friends [and Enemies] and Family

You know how you always wondered what happened to such and such...

Or you've always wanted to thank [insert name here] for [insert thankful thing here]

This is your chance!

Better yet, send them actual hand-written letters or visit them.

Even if it's been years, and they might not remember who you are, they are still going to enjoy hearing from you! 

And remember that if you don't hear back from them, they're either just jealous that you're unemployed or too busy doing boring job stuff.

I'm still flipping grateful to these guys for getting me started as a gypsy!

1) Look for Jobs

But don't make getting employed your primary concern.

People tend to get so fixated on getting a job that they forget to enjoy their freedom. 

Jobs will always be there, free time won't!

Make sure you're looking for something that you really want to do - Why did you quit [or were you a rubbish employee] at the last job? 

Jobs take up such a huge portion of your life that you really don't want to be wasting hours of your short existence for a measly pay check!

Apply for jobs that are above you.

Challenge yourself!

Yes, they'll probably say no; but what if they don't??

In fact, while you're at it, if you can't find something you want to do locally; search the world.

Maybe it's time for a change of scenery?

Or maybe there's something awesome that you need to bring to your neighbourhood!

Jobs are a bit like partners; when you're not looking for them and obsessing about them, they find you!

This is an actual screen shot of my life last January

There's so many good aspects of the unemployed life!

Boredom is not an option!!

If all else fails, just go find something to lick!

Thank You for being Born

Coming home is not quite as easy as you might think. 

Even when you "just take a plane"...

While everyone else breezed past security, I had that bear scanned at all five airports on the way (Cairns. Bali. Bangkok. Addis Ababa. Johannesburg). 

Apparently either he or I look like we might be pushing drugs or smuggling some small children inside (although I'm not quite sure how I might have gotten said "small children" inside). 

And yes it was great to lick South African soil (some may call it "airport floor") 

and have my grandmother smiling and ready to make me her eternal housemate, never allowing me to venture off on another adventure ever again; 

but I had to keep her waiting an hour while I attempted to change $20 into rands. 

I didn't own an address or a phone number... even with a foreign passport, this simple task was impossible!

It took me four days and five attempts to try and acquire a phone number [luckily Ouma came in to rescue me... she'll have to do the same again as I attempt to unfreeze my bank account...]  

Meet Ouma. She's amazing!

I tried to hire a car, but without a credit card, nobody wanted to give me one. 

That's okay I suppose, I have started exploited our non-existent transport system for what it's not worth! 

And have enjoyed a whole host of incredible "taxis" with a plethora of friends and family!

But despite the bureaucracy and transportlessness, I have to admit it is flipping good to be back.

 I've spent a few days with my brother and his "pets". 

I've witnessed the miraculous growth of families as almost everyone I know has milked their wombs for their fertileness.

 I've spent time with my granny and cousins and friends. 

And I even had the privilege of crashing a best friend's wedding!

Brother

And just one of his many pets.

Look how fertile South African soil is...

It was a great wedding to crash too!

On long flights, in bank and sim card queues, on long bus rides, 

and while trapped in camp by herds of elephants; I've had much time to think and reminisce. 

I don't think any of you have an inkling of an idea of how incredible you really are and how much you've given to my life! 

In fact the list of people I need to thank for keeping me alive, off the streets, out of prison, and with a smile on my face is impossibly long!

They seem to get a kick out of trapping you inside

Some of you I have known for years and you've actively shaped and guided my life; 

you've put up with my nonsense, 

encouraged me, inspired me, given me all sorts of sound advices, 

and you've supported my weird life directions (sometimes with bated breath). 

For that I thank you profusely! 

But there's also all those people who hitched me (to get an ice-cream, or across countries, or oceans).

And those who hitched with me. 

Those who helped me reach dreams (like getting out of prison, or spending a day filling in potholes, or visiting Ikea, or building a raft and sailing it out into the ocean...) 

The amount of people who have taken me in for a night (or a month), 

those who have have fed me, 

or eaten with me (thank you too to the cannibals who refrained from eating me), 

who have kept me entertained and positive through all sorts of trials and tribulations and the hours/days/weeks of border crossings.

On some random border somewhere in central Asia 

Turkmenistan: where every time you stop to ask directions, you get welcomed in for a meal!

Thank you for random hugs and laughs and adventures.

Thank you too to those who carried a scowl and a frown; your misery reminded me I needed joy.

Thank you to all those who stop and help when crises strike!

Three flat tyres, at the same time in Mongolia.
A party ensued with all those who stopped to help!

In fact. It doesn't matter who you are, and whether I've known you for a minute or a decade; 

I want to thank you for being born! 

There's a reason you are here, and the world is a happier, friendlier, and epicer place because of it!

Somewhere in Australia with some happy people who made my week!

Salt, Rice, and Paper Towels.

Life is full of interesting problems. Theft, murder, speedos, unemployment, poverty, delusions of grandeur, schizophrenia, bad taste in clothing, cockroaches, the list goes on and on… But I think I have found the answer to all of them....Maybe...

Some call the a problem, some call them food!

The other day I left work a little early to escape the torrential downpour. I was cold. I was soaked. My fingers couldn't bend anymore, my brain had frozen over, frostbite was imminent! I swore I would never leave the house again! 

I threw my clothes in the washing machine and sat down [huddled in my brothers duvet because I don't own my own] to reply to my last umteen emails and finish a few proposals before I heard the bouncing of the machine subside. I clicked send and started towards the machine. A few steps later I found myself swimming through a sea of greenish-brown wash mush. The washing machine had flooded the house...

In a panic I tossed my [world's dirtiest] teddy bear in to start soaking, and then blankets and towels. I scooped bucket loads into the bath tub. Hours later it was almost done and I seemed to have escaped without flooding the downstairs neighbours. I had won the battle, but the war hadn't even started yet.

Teddy, on his last night out, a porn star party

The carpets were still soaked, so after a few days of [unsuccessfully] wishing them dry, I got newspaper. The smell worsened. By the weekend the house was so damp and the smell so rank that I was beginning to think I might have health officials notified. As I lay awake at night trying to absolve the billions of other problems the week from hell had bought with it, solutions started forming in my mind. I "awoke" from a sleepless night, walked to the shops and bought 2kg of rice, 1kg of salt and a diarrhea-worthy load of paper towels!

I coated my brothers room in salt, Daisy's room in paper towels covered by magazines and books and most of the house's furniture, and my room (the lounge) was treated to a happy dosage of tastic brown rice.

Life's other problems got worse, but the house started smelling better by the day. A week later (Monday), I finally got around to seeing the results of my efforts. I started by lifting up the books and furniture and paper towels.... and then clearing up the salt and then the rice (which practically formed a ready made meal after a week of soaking)...Amazingly they all worked. And the house was as good as new (and cleaner too).

The small successes of the rice, salt and paper towels gave me the ummmmph I needed to start tackling other battles creatively (it's been a bit of poo year really) but you know what? Life really is good! - Just look at the amazing people you have around you and you'll know how lucky you are!

I'm not sure what you're struggling with at the moment, but I promise you that there is a solution. They say that time heals all things; but I think what you really need is some creativity [and a hug/ lick/ bowl of rice wine] and the eradication of the speedo.

Dear mom; I'm an addict

Dear mom

I know you’ve always told me to steer away from drugs but I got really really high the other day and had one of those epiphanies that only really happens under the influence of somewhat very illegal substances. Life suddenly made sense and as I soared through the air and the world swirled around me and I floated about in a dream, I saw clearly for the first time in almost forever…

Now mom, before you go and hop on a plane back to South Africa (which you will probably do regardless) and come sentence me to a nunnery, the indoors, and a diet of barley green and carrot juice or worse; I’ll try explain…

I’ve been living in one town for almost 4 months, working the first set hours (08h30 to 17h30) job of my life with the fewest housemates (1.25 and a giant dirty teddy bear) I’ve ever had in my life and well I’m sure you can understand how, under these dire circumstances, escapism might be necessary?

I think is the only housemate picture we have...

I tried living real life on the wild side – brushing my teeth extra vigorously before milk; breaking into the neighbour’s house [over the third storey balcony] to use their washing machine; doing my grocery shopping in my pjs… but it’s not quite enough.

And I’m sure for what I am about to say, you need to remember that you are partly to blame as I inherited your genes…

… Mom, there’s no easy way to say this but [make sure you are sitting down for this one] I’m an adventure addict! And proud of it.

As I ran and jumped off Signal Hill on Wednesday it suddenly hit me that adrenalin and adventure are the drugs that make it worthwhile getting up in the morning.

  

The first half of the 2013 has vanished in a blink of mediocrity, but part two will be epic! I have decided to get high for a living!

I love you so much and hope you’re up for more adventure yourself!

You’re fully living [and planning on staying that way] daughter

X0X0 Adeena

Ps: I bought a scooter. Sorry.