Showing posts with label cape town. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cape town. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Salt, Rice, and Paper Towels.

Life is full of interesting problems. Theft, murder, speedos, unemployment, poverty, delusions of grandeur, schizophrenia, bad taste in clothing, cockroaches, the list goes on and on… But I think I have found the answer to all of them....Maybe...

Some call the a problem, some call them food!
The other day I left work a little early to escape the torrential downpour. I was cold. I was soaked. My fingers couldn't bend anymore, my brain had frozen over, frostbite was imminent! I swore I would never leave the house again! 

I threw my clothes in the washing machine and sat down [huddled in my brothers duvet because I don't own my own] to reply to my last umteen emails and finish a few proposals before I heard the bouncing of the machine subside. I clicked send and started towards the machine. A few steps later I found myself swimming through a sea of greenish-brown wash mush. The washing machine had flooded the house...

In a panic I tossed my [world's dirtiest] teddy bear in to start soaking, and then blankets and towels. I scooped bucket loads into the bath tub. Hours later it was almost done and I seemed to have escaped without flooding the downstairs neighbours. I had won the battle, but the war hadn't even started yet.


Teddy, on his last night out, a porn star party
The carpets were still soaked, so after a few days of [unsuccessfully] wishing them dry, I got newspaper. The smell worsened. By the weekend the house was so damp and the smell so rank that I was beginning to think I might have health officials notified. As I lay awake at night trying to absolve the billions of other problems the week from hell had bought with it, solutions started forming in my mind. I "awoke" from a sleepless night, walked to the shops and bought 2kg of rice, 1kg of salt and a diarrhea-worthy load of paper towels!

I coated my brothers room in salt, Daisy's room in paper towels covered by magazines and books and most of the house's furniture, and my room (the lounge) was treated to a happy dosage of tastic brown rice.

Life's other problems got worse, but the house started smelling better by the day. A week later (Monday), I finally got around to seeing the results of my efforts. I started by lifting up the books and furniture and paper towels.... and then clearing up the salt and then the rice (which practically formed a ready made meal after a week of soaking)...Amazingly they all worked. And the house was as good as new (and cleaner too).

The small successes of the rice, salt and paper towels gave me the ummmmph I needed to start tackling other battles creatively (it's been a bit of poo year really) but you know what? Life really is good! - Just look at the amazing people you have around you and you'll know how lucky you are!

I'm not sure what you're struggling with at the moment, but I promise you that there is a solution. They say that time heals all things; but I think what you really need is some creativity [and a hug/ lick/ bowl of rice wine] and the eradication of the speedo.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Lucky to be Stabbed

“It hurts less if I stab the right cheek.” The door was locked. I was stuck in a corner. There was absolutely no escaping this one.

She leaned in with a fiercely terrifying smile and pain shot through my body…



It took a lot to get me there in the first place. It’s not like I woke up this morning and thought “hey, I should get stabbed”…. actually I did wake up this morning and decide exactly that… but it took 6 long weeks of suffering to get to this morning.

I don’t like doctors. I mean they are alright as people (Some of my favouritest people are doctor people), but their vocation terrifies me. I tend to see them more as prophets of doom (and please don’t take this wrong if you are in fact a doctor – or a prophet of doom, who doesn’t like to be likened to a doctor, for that matter) about to predict my imminent/impeding end.

The last time I saw a doctor was not because I woke up one day in the middle of nowhere [Laos], swollen like a balloon unable to breathe with what I thought might be a bad case of sporadic elephantitus

http://barefootedgypsy.blogspot.com/2012/03/avoiding-death-elephatitus-and-busses.html

  ...Or because I think I might have broken my foot after jumping off a building in Hong Kong
http://barefootedgypsy.blogspot.com/2012/07/injured-insanities-and-failures.html
...But only because I got attacked by a mangey dog and thought I might have rabies; and I generally prefer not to get rabies and die 

http://barefootedgypsy.blogspot.com/2012/08/becoming-vegetarian-dropping-to-bottom.html
So obviously seeing a doctor (despite being sick for 6 solid weeks) was out of the question, but my friend Jacqui talked me into seeing a nurse at a clinic and well… yes, she stabbed me (With a needle not a knife before someone reports her). Sister George locked me in a room and stabbed me. 

And then she told me to go see a doctor.


There’s people out there who can’t afford to eat or sleep or wear deodorant and here I am, able to afford being stabbed. I am truly fortunate.

Monday, June 3, 2013

One Life - Love It!

Somebody recently pointed out that I turn 30 next year, and subconsciously I started preparing myself for my impending demise…
 
Come 30 I even thought my licking days would have to be over...

And then, two Thursdays ago, my phone rang – a family member had died. So I sucked in my fear of flying, hopped on a plane, bought some shoes (so I could be a respectable pole bearer), and touched down in Joburg.
 
My last living memory of Aunty Alta
Aunty Alta was the tiniest person I’ve ever know, but she had the biggest heart! And, while it was sad to have lost a Grandma, her death led me to meet our newest family member and to see family I had not seen in years, it led me to meet my tiny godkid, to see friends, to three days of solid reunions, and tears, and hugs. Her life and death reminded me what it really means to live.
The cousin and his new family
Meeting little Cuan, my tiny nephew
My little godkid to be - Dandelion (aka Zoe; the one on the left)
Back in Cape Town, after sharing the oldest cab in Cape Town with a random stranger, I went for a run and saw a man in his late 80s playing rugby with some 8 or 14 year old boys. I stopped and stared. They all had the biggest smiles on their faces and it suddenly hit home – it really doesn’t matter how old you are – life’s what you make it. And for most of us, life’s only just beginning!
My first ever shared cab... and the nicest driver too to mark the occasion
After 7 days of solid partying, good music, amazing food, weird coincidences, and something o’clock in the morning bed times; I took a night off and dug out my old bucket list. I sat down and actually thought about the things I’d love to accomplish in my life. While the list is probably too long to accomplish in this life time [and still needs to be worked on – I’m completely open to suggestions and accomplices] – there’s only one way to find out.



 

After taking out the things I’ve already achieved, this is what remains [in no particular order]:
  1. Drink a beer in every country in the world
  2. Start an empire
  3. Get a criminal record for something epic (age 80+ - think streaking at a international sports game type thing)
  4. Accidently discover a cure for a major disease
  5. Taxidermise a pet
  6. Add a word to the oxford dictionary
  7. Survive a plane crash
  8. Swim the English channel and//or northern sea
  9. Write and publish a book on why Speedos should never be worn
  10. Write and publish a travel novel
  11. Win a noble prize
  12. Live on a deserted island
  13. Grow a beard
  14. Cook and eat road kill
  15. Bake a cake taller than my shortest friend
  16. Climb Everest
  17. Make a feature film
  18. Climb Manchu Pichu
  19. Find ‘the one’
  20. Elope/ get married
  21. Have kids
  22. Legally give one kid a truly ridiculous name
  23. Survive a month without a shower
  24. Run a marathon
  25. Death road in Bolivia
  26. Reunite Butt Mullet (world’s most underappreciated lyrically deviant band) for a reunion gig
  27. Travel to a distant country just for dinner
  28. Cycle the Cape Epic
  29. Buy a camel // lama // goat
  30. Complete a week long [spiritual?] pilgrimage barefoot
  31. Cycle across a continent
  32. Lick the statue of liberty
  33. Defy gravity
  34. Participate in Carnival in Rio
  35. Do the splits
  36. Join a nudist colony for the day
  37. Raft through the grand canyon
  38. October Fest in Munich
  39. Heliski
  40. Finish 2 pork knuckles (eisbeins) in one sitting
  41. Be a mermaid
  42. Visit the Aral sea
  43. Leave my ‘mark’ on at least 7 world wonders
  44. Own my own homey home
  45. Travel in a hot air balloon for an extended distance
  46. Lasso a cow
  47. Climb a pyramid
  48. Organize a rock band to crash a Justin Beiber/ Celine Dion concert
  49. Get a random tattoo chosen by a stranger
  50. Lick a porcupine
  51. Patent something [preferably something awesome]
  52. Complete a half iron man
  53. Swim the golden mile
  54. Tame a wild animal and make it my pet
  55. TP a national monument
  56. Sheer a sheep and turn it into dashboard fluff
  57. Get someone else to add this task to my list
  58. Smash a guitar rock star style
  59. Pick up at least 17 hitch hikers in an abnormally small car
  60. Set a Guinness world record
  61. Fly a helicopter
  62. Travel over land and sea (ie: flightless travel) from Australia to Spain
  63. Walk across a country
  64. Never be in debt
  65. Transiberian railway
  66. Cross the Bearing sea between Russia and Alaska
  67. Marry two people
  68. Skinny dip in every ocean
  69. Learn how to play guitar
  70. Swim in a pool of money
  71. Throw a handgranade
  72. Finish the Lord of the Rings trilogy
  73. Write a song and actually sing it to people
  74. Learn a third language
  75. Learn a fourth language
  76. Get my dive license
  77. Bungee jump
  78. See the northern lights
  79. Motorbike across south America
  80. Kite surf
  81. Great barrier reef
  82. Pirate swing from one boat to another to commandeer a cup of tea and some cake
  83. Mug a hobo
  84. Orchestrate a mass burning of evil pop music CDs
  85. Running of the bulls
  86. Moon a president
  87. Submerge in a submarine
  88. Lick a president/ royal
  89. Tell someone the entire story of my life sparing no details
  90. Break out of prison
  91. Build and live in an igloo for as long as weather permits
  92. Live to be 100
  93. Hike the whole coast of RSA
  94. Open a backpackers hostel
  95. Own a bar
  96. Drive a monster truck over a car
  97. Travel on an iceberg
  98. Never have a 9-5 job
  99. Win a major competition
  100. Own my own boat
  101. Find and eat the world’s hottest chilli
  102. Do a Mexican wave in Mexico
  103. Cycle from Norway to Cape Town (or vv)

 You only have one life...  Make sure you love it!




Monday, April 8, 2013

Old and Lonely


It’s really amazing how one minute you’re doing your weekend grocery and vital Easter egg shopping and the next you’re surrounded by ambulances and blood…

Three missed calls and a rude message later I finally picked up the phone. The brother had been rushing me because he was bored of waiting – but you can’t hurry shopping queues. And from last week’s hurrying of the cashier I have learned never to rush them either. They stop what they are doing look you in the eye and lecture you on how your whole life needs to slow down and while it’s embarrassing to have a horde of people listening to it – my cashier definitely had a point: I probably did need to slow down a little, and I think Jeandre’ (the brother) does too.

When I eventually made it into post-queue-freedom I tried to push one more thing with the brother: “Should we grab some beers on the way out?” – Jeandre’ was tempted but replied that he just wanted to leave the shops forever and that it was probably better for us to be healthier anyway so we didn’t.

But after climbing the escalator and descending the stairs (a random exit methodology I know, but yes, that is how the Garden centre works), we walked straight into two screaming woman and an old man in a pool of blood.

We calmed the younger woman down and asked her what had happened. “He fell on his face” she cried. “Do you know him?” “No. He was alone.” A security guard and I asked the man if he was okay to get up, and lifted him to his feet to try and get him into a more comfortable sit down/ stroke recovery position while we sent the older woman to find centre management and Jeandre’ ran to find ice.

Blood flowed in rivers from his nose and mouth as I sat him down and tried to find out how bad the fall was and how aware he was of his surroundings. “What’s your name sir?” I thought he replied Chad and called him that for most of our conversings… but it was in fact Ted. Ted was hard at hearing and softly spoken – the following was yelled and repeated many times over:
“How are you feeling?”
“Am I alright? I fell.”
“You’re bleeding a lot but you look alright. Did you trip over something?” I asked, wondering still if he had had a stroke.
“I just fell over.”
“Is there anyone I can call?”
 “No.”
“Do you have any family?”
“No”
“Do you have any friends?”
“No. I live alone.”
“Surely there is someone who we can call?”

Blood was now forming little meandering streams on the sidewalk.  Jeandre’ returned with a bag of frozen peas he had just shoplifted from Woolworths (He figured throwing a R50 note at the security guard as he fled the scene would make up for it). Now it was my turn to run to get toilet paper.

A crowd had gathered by the time I got back and Ted seemed to be slipping out of consciousness. So I carried on talking to him as we mopped the blood off his face and suit.
“And how old are you?” - “95” - “Do you know where you are?”… The conversation then shifted to actual medical support seeing as nobody with any official medical experience had shown up yet. We didn’t want to call an ambulance because we knew he had no medical aid or much money so we found a good Samaritan with a car and were almost set to go when the centre’s first aider finally pitched followed by one ambulance after the next. The whole street shone with bright flashy lights and uniformed people.

Apart from a big cut to his mouth and a potentially broken nose, Ted also had a broken wrist. He needed a hospital. The paramedics assured us that he would be well taken care of and that he wouldn’t pay a cent for it. Jeandre’ left them with his phone number just in case.

My heart was broken as I watched the whole scene unfold. Imagine having no family and no friends. Imagine living to be 95 without having anyone to celebrate it with. Imagine being taken to hospital with nobody to visit you. Imagine finally reaching the end of your life with nobody to say goodbye to. I tried to imagine what it felt like to be Ted.

Ted spent the entire time clutching his small bag of blood covered groceries. I had sent one of the screaming woman on a mission to find a new bag for him – but even then he wouldn’t let go and finally only gave way enough for us to slip his torn bag into a new one. He’d taught himself to trust nobody. It was as if those groceries were his prized possessions.

“Am I alright?” Ted asked the first paramedic on the scene after various tests and questions had taken place. The paramedic looked him I the eye and said a very respectable “Sir, if I were your age and I still had a heart rate like that and still walked to the shops, I would be very happy indeed.” A smile cracked across his face for the first time.  

In retrospect we probably should have stopped to buy beer (we would have made it home a couple of hours earlier) – but meeting Ted changed my life in a weird way. If I am lucky enough to make it to 95 in good health; I want a life filled with people, with trust, with meaning and a life filled with constant smiles. Without that it doesn’t matter how old you are - you’re pretty much dead already. I hope Ted finds that before it really is the end. 

The grandmother and the other Ted - she seems to get younger by the day - Teddy on the other hand  is starting to look a bit worse for wear.
Grey haired and old or uber young - we ALL need people!
The oldest pizza I've ever met - there's a reason it is now lonely in a garbage can somewhere.

Monday, March 11, 2013

A Grave Revalation


Whilst I’ve changed my opinion on pirates, tomatoes and the meaning of life; I’ve always been a firm believer in the fact that all things are possible [except roller skating backwards through a revolving door while juggling knives and killer clawed kittens].

Everyone said it was impossible to drive from London to Mongolia in a tin-canish car.... But...
I never dreamed it possible to lug a ginormous teddy about for more than a year and I thought my  ability to cycle across countries even less likely... but...
As a kid I believed that humans could fly. I started a flying academy and whilst all the teachers thought it was cute that a bunch of people would chase me around the field flapping their arms; the hardest part of the academy was finding things high enough to jump off, devising flying contraptions (plastic bag parachutes, umbrellas, cardboard wings, etc), and [the hardest part:] coming up with feasible cover stories for parents and teachers when height + failed contraption = unfortunate incident/sprainage/breakature. I still believe humans can fly…  

and no, sky diving doesn't count...
Similarly I still believe that sailing a self-built raft across oceans is still possible (even if the first attempt was very unsuccessful). I still believe that I will lick a president some day (I’ve lost track of my failure tallies on this one). I still believe that someday I will have an empire… I still believe that I can successfully complete even the most unlikely challenges on my bucket list….


….But I had a grave revelation this week…. it only took 28 years to discover it….

I moved to Cape Town last Saturday to start a new job 8-30am on Sunday.  Lack of transport options led me to rekindle my hatred of the bicycle; cycling 20km in each direction between a house on a hill and a job on a far massiver hill. Fortunately my job involves swinging in the trees and making and keeping people happy (and a bunch of more boring admin/ managerial jumbo) – but it’s a taxing vocation that, combined with the lack of cycling fitness [or any fitness for that matter] in my life, and the need for a social life, and ever-present insomniacishness; has made this the most taxing week of my life!

The typical first day of work bruise

It's a lot less purple now, but it now bends in two very different directions
As I cycled home on Saturday night after 6 days straight of 9 hour shifts with a broken toe, the wind blew me off my bicycle and  onto the pavement shortly before a bird decided to expel its lunch on me on me and I burst into tears when it suddenly hit me…

…and I really don’t like this realization at all, or the ramifications of it…

….and I don’t know how this will affect the ’all things are possible’ philosophy…

….and I hope I’m not the only one that this applies to…

 …but…
 I’m only human. I have limitations.


Friday, March 1, 2013

The End of the Chapter

It's amazing how life rolls on... One random Chapter after the next....

CHAPTER 1- Growing Up 

Back in 1984

1984 -1980somrtthing

Also in the 80s

 CHAPTER 2 - Growing a brain 

This is not actually me... it's just a random kid I found on the interweb
2002 - The last day of school

 CHAPTER 3 - Becoming a Grown Up


I've lost my actual university certificates.... but this one's just about as important

CHAPTER 4 - Moving Out

2005 - The housemates.... some of them at least

CHAPTER 5 - Becoming a Gypsy

2007 - The East Coast of Africarish Trip

CHAPTER 6 - Pretending to be European

2008 - Moving to London Land



CHAPTER 7 - Going Places

2009 - A little drive from London to Mongolia


CHAPTER 8 - Thinking of Growing Up


2010 - Getting a job again and contemplating resouthafricanising
I even acquired some grownupy clothes

CHAPTER 9 - Going Down Under

2010 -  2011... In the land of Aus

CHAPTER 10 - The Ultimate Gypsy

 And this last chapter's been a rediculous one... 

 Jan 2012 - Building the beloved raft, the Illegal Immigrant
Feb 2012 - Joining a biker Gang
March 2012 - Cycling across South East Asia
May 2012 - Hitching across China
June 2012 - Sailing across the Indian Ocean 
 And just like that the chapter end... And tomorrow I start a whole new one. I fly to my new home, Cape Town and come Sunday I become a real person, with a job...

It's funny how life goes really - in every chapter you meet amazing people that shape your life and live out crazy experiences that change your life.

I've never been more terrified at the start of a new chapter... this one will be called "CHAPTER 11 - Real Life" - and that might just be the scariest thing I've ever done.... But it will be awesome. Every chapter is. 







Thursday, January 31, 2013

A Day in the Life of a Couch


I’ve made really good friends with the couch of late. There’s something about being the only unemployed individual in a house that leads you to find this kind of companionship. But I tell you now that it’s not a healthy relationship.

While I’ve given the couch a thorough vacuum and a lot of quality time, I’ve also given it popcorn kernels, sand, red wine, cereal and a nice bum-shaped indentation.

And whilst it has comforted me through the pretence of novel writing, the plottings of my million dollar empire, far too many Tarintino movies, and the aspirations of job hunting, it has also lulled me into a deep slumber on far too many occasions. It’s an evil couch.

The couch and I have become so close that yesterday, when the gigantanormous plumber walked in to fix our shower, I actually felt it squirm. And, when the plumber sat down to catch his breath after climbing two flights of stairs, I shared it’s agony in seeing its cushions pancaked to the floor. It pained me mostly because I’d never felt such a close connection to a couch.

And so, when plumber man finally left, so did I – it was exactly the motivation needed to inspire a jog.

And with my life potentially ending tomorrow with me boarding a flight (that’s right, I said the ‘F’ word), I need to put some distance between us (it makes tomorrow’s farewell easier too) and get out and make some real friends. Besides, couches offer no guidance in the ways of airplane survival and that’s what I need most in life right now (apart from coffee).


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Rotted Milk

There are two types of choices: good ones; and bad ones.  Life’s a whole lot better when you make the good ones…

I should have realized this last week already. But I didn't  No, instead I didn't smell the milk before I used it on my cereal and coffee… At first I thought it just tasted bad because I had brushed my teeth first… Half way through I thought it might just be a new brand…


I thought I’d be a nice sister and cook dinner. But apparently chilli sauces aren't all the same.  Side-of-the-road-Mozambiquan-chilli-sauce is a force to be reckoned with. Dinner was severely diluted with milk. I forgot the milk was off…

3 hours into the document search....
SUCCESS!
And then came moving to Cape Town.  In an attempt to find one very
very very horrendously very important document, I took a trip to Benoni (Think mullets and wife beaters and children who are older than their parents). While it was lovely seeing family and having my first braai since 2010, I knew my mission. It took the better part of five hours, and courage I never thought I could cough up (I also coughed out a lot of dust and cobweb) – but I fought through four households of stored ‘stuff’ (our family being the first to have invaded the cousin’s garage) and came out with not only the document, but a lot more of my earthly belongings than I ever thought I owned. I’m pretty sure they bred and had offspring in my years of absence.

All my worldly possessions...
and the bicycle...
This made relocating home a lot harder than it should have been. Flying was out of the question. I had a full car load of ‘stuff’ so driving was out – not only do I not possess a car – but there was no way I’d drive the 1400 km alone. There are too many luggage limitations on the bus and well, I’d never taken the train…


Sunday morning I rocked up at the train station hoping there would still be tickets. “Sorry” said the friendly Malawian behind the counter “sold out till mid-Feb”. But I pleaded – “there’s no tickets at all??” and that’s how I bought my R340 third class hard seat on board the Shoshaloza Meyl to Cape Town. Like I said, it was a week of bad decisions.


The Zimbabwean next to me was under the impression that it was a 5 hour trip. I probably shouldn't have said anything about the ETA – I’ve never seen a black person turn that white.

Look at all the happy faces!
For every grown up on board there were 37.5 infants and for every seat between Klerksdorp and Kimberly, there were 3 grownups…

The toddlers joined their vocal chords to create a sound track to stay awake to and the plastic non-reclining seats made sure we did. But it could always be worse…  By 3am our carriage was full of police to break up the fights bought on by excessive quantities of alcohol and seat/ floor space reclaimage.


I made friends with 6 year old Kabelo who taught me all about fairies and princesses and marveled at the giftings her 3 year old sister possessed in finding and eating second hand chewing gum. I discussed business plans with people from 4 different African countries and finished reading a book I’ve carried for the last 3 months. But ask any person on that train and none of them will ever take it again. Not economy at least….

A very hot and smelly toilet overflowingly 29.5 hours later – past some breathtaking scenery and some sheep and 3 ostriches and a plethora of other stuff - we pulled into Cape Town. I felt like I’d just single-handedly fought the Vietnam war or run the comrades marathon… and won… and to make it even better, all of my belongings survived too.  


I suppose bad decisions are all part of life and they help you learn and become a better person… but they also get you upset stomachs and sleepless nights and possible diseases… From now on I aim to make only good ones. Life’s too short for 29.5 hour train rides….